uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED |
Tue 11/04/08 01:21 PM |
1. "The cucumber has left the salad."
2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."
3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."
4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."
5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"
6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod."
7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."
8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."
9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"
10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: 25 THINGS THE PERFECT WOMAN WOULD SAY |
Tue 11/04/08 01:16 PM |
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my little kitty, you big lion king!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
11. I'll be out painting the house.
12. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
13. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!
14. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
15. No, no ... I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
16. Your mother did a great job raising you.
17. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
18. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
19. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
20. Not the mall again! Come on let's go to that new strip joint!
21. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
22. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
23. That was a great fart! Do another one!
24. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you...
25. No. You stay there. I'll get you a beer
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: The Spammers are at it again!!!!!!!!! |
Tue 11/04/08 03:40 AM |
From:Mr.Victor J. Koffi.
CHIEF SECURITY OFFICER,
Crystal Trust Financial Company.
First Light Kaneshie Accra Ghana
E-mails: (EDITED OUT)
Tel(EDITED OUT)
Dear Good Friend
I Need Your Help Please.
(Keep This Mail Top Secret)
This is Mr.Victor J. Koffi.How are you doing together with your entire family, I hope all is well? Please carefully read and understand my reason of contacting you through this email. I'm contacting you now during my search for a reliable, trustworthy and honest person to introduce this transfer Investment project with. My name is Mr.Victor James Koffi (Jnr). On November 2005, One Mr Hussein Omar from Iraq National,an gold dealer.who runs gold business in my country Ghana to Asia, whom i was accounting officer made a numbered time Deposit 1 Trunk Box, valued at USD$12.2Millon ( Twelve Million Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) for twelve calendar months in our company.I am the Chief Security Officer Crystal Trust Financial Company, First Light Kaneshie Accra-Ghana. I am a Ghanaian.
I am glad to hear you are from such good country thanks .Upon Maturity, we sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered that Mr. Hussein Omar from Iraq ,with his wife and two children's / parents was died with his family in a bomb blast in Iraq. My investigation proved that he died with his supposed next- of- kins in the bomb blast. The Trunk box total sum, USD$12.200,000.00 is still in our Company and the dumorage is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever come forward to claim it.
Consequently, I shall present you to stand in as the next- of- kin to the late Mr.Hussein Omar.Consequently, upon acceptance of this proposal, I will give you detailed information on how this deal would be carried out.The money will be shared in the ratio: (65%) for me, (30%) for you, the remaining (5%) will be kept to recover any expenses made during the process of the transfer into your account which include both our telephone bills. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law as I will use my position as the Chief Security of OPERATIONS' Officer to secure approvals and guarantee the successful execution of this transaction.
I want you to handle everything for me.I have the trust in you and i know that you will not disappoint me, i don't need to know you for many years to trust you.If you have an idea of what should be done to being the money out of Africa, please tell me i need your seriously and i have the impression that you are a nice gentle person. Please be informed that your utmost confidentiality is required.On your reply include your private contact information bellow.
(1)Your Private mobile telephone
number/fax................
(2)Your full address......
(3)Your full names.....
(4)Your E-mail........
Awaiting your urgent reply through my private
E-mails: Best regards,
Mr. Victor J. Koffi
Tel: +233 249216158
How stupid do these people really think we are? |
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: My Thought for the day |
Mon 11/03/08 03:06 PM |
Monday, November 3, 2008:
Computers are good at catching mistakes and duplicating them a million times.
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: Where do you want me to start? |
Mon 11/03/08 03:02 PM |
Start from the beginning.
Sigh.
The first time I saw her was during lunch. She was walking up the ramp toward the cafeteria. Most people the first time the see me sort of look disgusted or laugh. She didn’t. She looked me right in the eyes. It was . . . penetrating. After that I saw her in the halls a couple times and it was always the same, like she was looking through me or into me. Like I was an equal, not a freak.
The first time I actually talked to her was after a fight. Most of the time when two guys want to fight they go down to the park after school. It was Aaron and Bill fighting. I was there watching them go at it when I noticed her out of the corner of my eye. She was walking down the hill. I thought she was coming to see the fight. But she just walked right on by. Glanced at them and at me, and walked into the brush there along the creek. It was curious. I wondered why she would go there. Anyway after the fight was over I sort of hung back, talked to Aaron a bit. I told him I had to take a leak and I’d see him later. Then I walked into the brush after her. It didn’t take me long to find her. I followed the path a ways and there she was, sitting against a tree, eating an apple, a book in her hands. She looked up at me as I came nearer.
“Hey”
I said.
“Hey”
she replied
“I’m Rick.”
“Elizabeth”
“What you doing here?"
I asked
"It’s Friday,"
she said.
"Yeah so?"
My dad gets paid on Friday. When he gets paid he gets drunk and when he gets drunk he gets . . “
“Mean”
I offered
“Among other things”
she said
"So you’re gonna stay here all night rather than going home?"
I asked
"That was my plan,"
she said
"Don’t you get cold?"
(This was at the end of end of September, and it was starting to get cold at night)
"Yes."
It occurred to me then that maybe she meant more than just regular mean, like yelling.
“Does he hit you?”
"Sometimes."
“Then why do you stay?
"And go where? The streets aren’t much better."
Right about then a big clap of thunder shook the air.
“Damn,"
she said and looked up at the sky.
"What are you going to do now?"
I asked
"Looks like I’m going to get wet,”
she said
"Why don’t you come with me?"
I said.
“You could hang out at my place if you want.”
She looked at me, and again it was like she was looking into my soul or something.
“Take off your glasses,”
she said. Now normally I’m not the type to follow orders. But for some reason this time I did. She just looked at me. It was kind of embarrassing really, like I was being read or something.
“Okay.”
She said.
She got up, put her book into her backpack, zipped it, and threw her apple core into the stream.
“You do this every Friday?”
I asked as we began to walk out of the brush.
“Pretty much,”
she replied
“It's better than the alternative.”
As we came out, the first drops were starting to fall. As soon as we closed the car doors it started to pour.
I looked over at her and she was shivering a bit
"You cold?"
"A little."
So I started the car and turned the heat on.
"You hungry?"
"Yes."
"Wanna go thru BK?"
"I don’t have any money."
"I’ll buy."
"If you want?"
So we went thru the drive thru and got some food and took it to my house. Now I should probably explain, my parents don’t really care that much about me. They let me come and go as I please. My room is also in the basement. I have my own bathroom and separate entrance. So I’m pretty much on my own. So we went to my place and sat on the bed and ate. She scarfed, I mean she ate that food like she hadn’t eaten in a week. I asked her some simple questions. How long she had been in town? Where she was from? That kind of stuff. She said her family moved around a lot, so they weren’t really from any one place. She asked me about mine. When we were done I told her I had to go to work. I work part time at Harter’s Repair. I’m not certified or anything so he lets me do the simple stuff, taking things apart, putting then back together and cleaning up.
“May I stay here?”
she asked
“Yeah”
I said
“May I use your shower?”
she asked
Seemed like a strange request to me but I said yeah.
“When will you be back?”
She asked
“Probably not until late, after 10”
As I sat on the bed to change my shoes she said
"Thank you."
“No problem”
I said and left
I ended up working till about 11. When I came in I found her asleep in my bed, and wearing my clothes. She had straightened up a bit, picked up all the clothes off the floor and stuff like that.
So I smoked a few bowls and went to bed.
Sometime in the night I had this very strange dream. You know in the cartoons where you see a smell floating along and it grabs the character by the nose and drags them along. It was like that. It was red and it enveloped me, then it started to pull me along. It was like I was flying or floating because my feet weren’t touching the ground. Only it wasn’t a food smell like in the cartoons. It didn’t make me hungry. It . . . . it turned me on.
I just kept sniffing and sniffing, trying to fill myself with that smell. That’s when I woke up. The first thing I noticed was that I was hard as a rock. The second was that the smell was still there. I thought perhaps I was still dreaming. It was then I realized that I wasn’t. Sometime while we slept we had cuddled up against one another. Her back was toward me and my face was buried in her neck and hair. It was her I smelled. It was her that was turning me on.
So I did what came naturally and stated to kiss her neck. She woke up slowly, sighing. Her back was still to me and I was still kissing her neck. My hands had begun to explore her body. She rolled onto her back and looked up at me. I looked down at her. Neither one of us said a word. I tried to kiss her on the mouth. But she turned away so that my kisses fell on her cheek. Again and again I tried but each time she turned her mouth away.
But it didn’t matter. I was still so turned on. I kept kissing her neck and my hands explored under her shirt. She ran her fingertips up my arms and wrapped them around my shoulders. I just kept kissing her, burying my face in her neck. Her smell was intoxicating. I pulled her shirt up over her head and she did the same to me. I kept kissing and kissing her neck and chest. I just couldn’t get enough of her. She ran her thumb up my spine and it was like electricity shot through my body. I had to have her.
Now I’ve been with plenty of girls but somehow this was different. It was like time stood still, but at the same time it seemed to go on forever. Never had I been that turned on or tuned in. It was like we were on the same wavelength or something.
Usually when I have sex it’s a wham bam thank you ma'am type of thing and my mind tends to wander. With her it didn’t. I was right there for all of it. All I could think of was wanting to consume her. It was like we were inside desire. It was the best sex I ever had. She never said anything; in fact she didn’t even make a sound. She responded. It was almost like she could read my mind, moving the way I wanted her to move, touching me where I most wanted her to touch. It was magical, unbelievable really. I never knew it could be that way.
When it was finally over I was exhausted, out of breath and sweating like a pig. I rolled off of her onto my back. She still didn’t say a thing, just cuddled up next to me and put her head on my shoulder. After a few minutes I could tell she was asleep by the sound of her breathing. I just lay there. This girl I barely knew, lying next to me, thinking what in the world just happened. I drifted off to sleep, the smell of her still in my nostrils.
When I woke up the next morning she was gone.
No note, no nothing, just my clothes folded up neatly on the floor and her smell clinging to the pillow. I didn’t know where she lived, didn’t know her number, didn’t even know her last name. I had no way to track her down.
I spent the entire weekend thinking about her, wondering why she left. Had I hurt her? Made her mad? Insulted or embarrassed her? I just didn’t know.
Never in my life had I wanted a Monday to come so much. I couldn’t wait to get to school that morning. I even arrived early to look for her. But couldn’t find her. I had to wait until lunch to see her. When I finally did see her I yelled her name across the room. Everyone turned to look at me but I didn’t care I had to know why she had left.
I took her by the arm and led her to a quiet corner. Mr. Maher was eyeing me suspiciously
“What?”
Was all she said.
“Why did you leave?”
I blurted out
“I didn’t see any reason to stay.”
she said.
I was confused,
“What do you mean?”
I asked
I mean there was no reason to stay. You got what you wanted. So I left.”
"Huh?"
I said still not understanding.
"Look Rick you were nice to me, you bought me food, took me to your nice warm house and later on you got what you were after. You did something for me so I did something for you. What reason was there for me to stay afterwards?"
I was just totally shocked, flabbergasted. It was so unbelievable I took a step back. Here she thought I had done all those thing just so I could sleep with her. Never had anything been more far from the truth.
I looked at her and said
“I didn’t do those things just so I could sleep with you. I did them because I wanted to. Because I like you and want to get to know you better."
It was her turn to look shocked.
"You do?”
she asked
“Yes I do. What made you think it was the other way?"
That’s the way most guys are
She had a point there and I couldn’t deny it. My hand reached up to stroke her cheek and I found her eyes looking into mine.
“I didn’t intend it to be that way. I didn’t intend for some of those things to happen. But they did and now I find I can’t get you off of my mind. Please, spend some time with me. I like you very much and would like to get to know you better.”
Okay
I knew I was being watched but I couldn’t resist I leaned down to kiss her and this time she let me. When our lips met it all came flooding back, the smell, the feelings, the desire. I was lost in it until I heard a loud
“ahem”
Mr. Maher was looking down his nose at us, no small feat considering I’m taller than him.
"Let’s go sit down,"
I said and took her hand and led her into the cafeteria.
That’s how it all started.
“Why don’t we take a break”
he said as he clicked off the recorder.
It wasn’t until he left that I realized there were tears in my eyes.
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH New Government Symbol |
Mon 11/03/08 12:43 PM |
The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it is felt that it more accurately reflects the governments stance.
A condom
Allows for inflation
Halts production
Destroys the next generation
Protects a bunch of pricks
And gives you a sense of security when you'e actually being screwed.
DAMN!!! It doesn't get more accurate than that!
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: After a heavy night out |
Mon 11/03/08 03:29 AM |
After a heavy night on the town, A man comes downstairs to breakfast to find on his plate:
1 fried egg
1 sausage
1 rasher of bacon
1 slice of fried bread
1 sock
He says to his wife.
"What's this?"
She turned to him and says,
"When you staggered home last night, you came into the bedroom, threw all your clothes in a heap on the floor, got into bed, laid on your back and said to me,
'Can you cook my sock?'
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: A different slant to horoscopes |
Mon 11/03/08 03:09 AM |
Be totally honest and you'll be surprised. Try this it truly works. Enjoy!!
Horoscope Test...
If you are honest, this tells the truth - it's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper. No cheating!! The answers are at the bottom of this page.
1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex
2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?
3. Your first initial.
4. Your month of birth.
5. Which color do you like more, black or white?
6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
7. Your favorite number.
8. Do you like California or Florida more?
9. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat)
Answers
1. You are completely in love with this person.
2. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and you life is full of love.
Black - you are conservative and aggressive.
Green - your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
3. If your initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
4. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be to great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
5. If you chose.....
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend that completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize his.
6. This person is your best friend.
7. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
8. If you chose:
California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laid back person.
9. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: Elementary Dating |
Sun 11/02/08 06:04 PM |
(b)http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2D4KTXkbyto&feature=related
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: Lost Wives |
Sun 11/02/08 02:03 PM |
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other,
"I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ass.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: Urinal Help |
Sun 11/02/08 01:57 PM |
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth,"
she said.
"No ma'am," he replied,
"I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: Use Grown-Up Words |
Sun 11/02/08 01:52 PM |
A group of kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said,
"No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo train. The teacher again said,
"No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the sh!t!"
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: Little Johnny and the Birds And Bees |
Sun 11/02/08 01:49 PM |
Little Johnny's father asked him,
"Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!"
little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad,"
Little Johnny sobbed,
"At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the
'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: Does anyone know.......... |
Sun 11/02/08 08:27 AM |
any links as to where I can find these and similar images
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: My Thought for the day |
Sun 11/02/08 06:53 AM |
Sunday, November 2, 2008:
Wealth has a way of revealing how many needs you have that you previously thought were only wants.
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: Should make you think... |
Sat 11/01/08 06:17 PM |
I know way too many really beautiful girls who think they don't look good...
It hurts... because it's our fault, guys I mean. We make girls feel like they have to be perfect. You know what I mean, flat stomach, big boobs, round booty, long legs, sexy lips, and on top of all that, they have to dress like a whore, and be one as well... nobody can measure up to that... and its not fair... because nobody should have to.
Girls prefer being called beautiful instead of hot or sexy. The little imperfections are what make people special. If everyone was perfect the world would be so boring, variety is what makes life interesting.
So guys, stop making girls have to live up to your, I'm sorry, our... deluded fantasy visions of perfection. Stop acting like boys and start being men... realize that women don't exist to fufill our sexual desires.
Stop talking to them solely to get with them, be nice to them because you want to be their friend, not because you want to hook up with them.
Say nice things about them not to flatter them in hopes that you'll get some, but because its true and you know they like to hear them.
In short... we need to grow up and stop acting like freakin little boys. Not every woman on Mingle is on here to get laid!!! They want a friend, and understanding friend that will respect them.
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07
Posts: 18305
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| Topic: Father Johns' Bath |
Sat 11/01/08 06:06 PM |
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,'
said the young nun dreamily,
'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?'
asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?'
said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued,
'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?'
said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old bastard'
said the old nun.
'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!]b]
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