nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: redneck zoo |
Mon 10/27/08 04:32 PM |
A small zoo in a Redneck village acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a janitor with a proposition.
"Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?"
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: "First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this." The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.
"Well," says the janitor, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500." |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: statues |
Thu 10/23/08 03:25 PM |
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on it's head." |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: sex sandals |
Sat 10/18/08 04:04 PM |
A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. "Dey makes you wild at sex.
"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!" |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: naughty nun |
Mon 10/13/08 08:20 PM |
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring hard at her.
When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.”
The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had the fantasy of having a nun give me a blow job.”
She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. First, you have to be single, and second you have to be Catholic.”
Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!”
The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alleyway over there.”
The cab driver pulled into the alleyway and the nun went to it. Soon after the nun was finished, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?”
He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned.
I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!”
The nun replied, “That’s okay.
My name’s Jeff and I’m on my way to a costume party!” |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: funeral |
Fri 10/10/08 03:00 PM |
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynecologist." |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: chunks |
Wed 10/08/08 02:38 PM |
Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.
The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw.
I don't even have insurance!"
The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far.
When I got home, I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog." |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: sick day |
Mon 10/06/08 06:21 PM |
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.” |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: omg!! too funny!!! |
Sun 10/05/08 05:12 PM |
Long but well worth it!
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".
The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM.
Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well…"
DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question.
Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well…"
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian.
Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks…"
DJ: "Uh huh…"
Brian: "…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow.]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones…..ringing….)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is her."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo… do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)..
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us."
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright.
When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question.
How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast.
Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well…"
DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?
Sarah: "Ummm...................Up the ass…"
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break" |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: bar watch |
Sun 10/05/08 04:56 PM |
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.”
Thanks, says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”
“Bull****," says the girl.
“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.”
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”
“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”
“Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!” |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: shes so fired! |
Sun 10/05/08 04:53 PM |
Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked.
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: hells not that bad... |
Sun 10/05/08 04:48 PM |
A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:
Devil: Hey, whatcha lookin so down for?
Man: If you died and went to Hell, you’d be feeling down too!
Devil: Hell ain’t what you think it is. It’s fun down here.
Say, do you drink?
Man: Sure, I love to drink.
Why?
Devil: Well, you”re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tequila, rum, vodka, all the booze you wanna drink. We drink til we puke and then we drink some more.
Man: Ah, that sounds great.
Devil: Do you smoke?
Man: Damn right I do.
Devil: Cool! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don't have to worry about getting cancer because you're already dead already, haha.
Man: No ****!
Devil: You like gambling?
Man: Hell yeah!
Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, hold-em, a dog track, horse racing, you name it we got it.
Devil: You like to get stoned?
Man: I love getting stoned! You mean…
Devil: That's right man, because on Thursdays, it’s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don't have to worry about overdosing because you're already dead already.
Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!
Devil: Are you gay?
Man: Uh, no.
Devil: Oooh...
You’re gonna hate Fridays... |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: welfare office |
Fri 10/03/08 03:57 PM |
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job”.
The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year”.
The guy says, “You’re bull****ting me!”
The social worker says, “Yeah, well, you started it.” |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: boat ride??? |
Thu 10/02/08 11:19 PM |
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.
"
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle...".
...The old woman fainted. |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: fart football |
Mon 09/29/08 05:44 PM |
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It’s fart football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he ****s the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides." |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: couple new pics |
Tue 09/23/08 10:55 AM |
thanks for standing up for me lol you rock |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: couple new pics |
Tue 09/23/08 10:51 AM |
u didnt actually look then bc I AM smiling lol 2 of them are serious and the last is a big ole smile  |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: I like your thinking |
Tue 09/16/08 07:48 PM |
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking." |
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nikki_cole
Joined Sat 07/28/07
Posts: 2149
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| Topic: ultimate application |
Mon 09/08/08 05:48 PM |
| nah...he was just lookin for a laugh lol and seeing the kinds of answers people would come up with hahaha he doesnt seriously want it to be honest it was just for a laugh |
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