I am not one for autobiographies, so how about some creative writing...

I am a dynamic creature from the south, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. At 4, I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. (u never heard of me, got it) lol!!

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. (I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy formal wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me. I guide cruise-ships into port with a 13foot Johnboat and one oar. I have sailed the seven seas, stormed the beaches and surfed a white squall. Every Sunday night at midnight, just for kicks, I send a telepathic electronic beacon to Big Ben to synchronize the world’s clocks with the internal chronometer in my brain. At the National Science Fair, I re-created the rings of Saturn with a box of rice crispies, Tabasco sauce, and some extra virgin olive oil. I can burp the Star Spangled Banner theme song. I taught Spock the Vulcan Mind Meld and I can shoot the tail feather off a hummingbird with .22 caliber pistol at a distance of 2.3 miles.

I can slam dance, tap dance and break dance while simultaneously whistling Dixie and Beethoven's 5th symphony. I am Secret Agent 006. Last night I made a gourmet meal fit for kings out of a can of beets, some pepper spray, and a fresh road-killed platypus. After an avalanche in the Himalayas I saved a Tibetan High Priest from certain death by performing a brain transplant using a frozen yak, a Swiss army knife and roll of Saran wrap.(learned it in MAXIM mag.) My meditation skills are so refined I am an honorary B.S. instructor (BS - Buddhist Snowboarders). I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all(not) paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I am an avid Para Glider and have ran 4 races in the nude. I have won cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Romeo at the MET, performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis ... still interested?   Send me a message!

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